Wednesday, October 22, 2008

A Little Touch

Enough of the sentimental stories. This is an older story that not everyone has heard. I hope you get a chuckle out of it. It is dedicated to Teri, who loves this story.

Warning: While not R rated, this one is probably not one for the kids.

Tracy and I were out at a nightclub one night a couple years ago. One of our favorite things to do when we are out is "people watching". On this particular night we were standing near the dance floor and watching the dancing.
What follows are my actions and thoughts in the order in which they occurred in rapid fire succession over the next 5 seconds or so that night:

1. I felt a hand reach between my legs and take a handful of my private parts.
2. My Brain thought: "Why is Tracy groping me?"
3. I saw Tracy out of the corner of my eye standing next to me with both hands clearly in view
4. My brain thought "I see Tracy's hands.....she is not groping me....we came alone.....who the heck is groping me?"
5. I turn around to look behind me and see......nothing. Not a thing.
6. My brain thinks "there is nobody behind me, but I clearly feel a hand where it should not be." and "just how many dollar long necks have I consumed tonight"?
7. I look down to make sure I am not imagining things. I clearly see a hand extended between my legs and squeezing my man parts.
8. I turn back around and see.....nothing.
9. I look down behind me and see a female midget standing, with her head just above my rear end and her arm clearly extended between my legs and staring up at me with a smile on her face.
10. She winked at me and walked away without saying a word.

I was stunned to silence as I watched her waddle across the club. I turned to Tracy to tell her about what had happened and could not actually get the words out of my mouth. I turned back around once again to make sure I had not lost my mind, but there was my midget (or "little person" for those who care about political correctness). She was standing about 20 feet from me talking to a friend. I shook off my stupor and told Tracy what had happened and pointed my midget out to her. She did what any married woman would do when confronted with a brazen Jezebel feeling up her husband in a nightclub: she laughed hysterically. For a very long time.


Teri said...

Ok, So I'm sitting at my desk in my office trying not to laugh out loud hysterically...So instead I just laughed internally and cried. Thank you for the dedication.

Mom said...

Now what are the odds of this happening to anyone else but you?? What a HOOT!!! So funny!

Dan said...

Mom: I told you that my blog was going to make you learn things about me you never knew. In this case, you learned I am catnip to midgets. :-) And you are right....things seem to happen to me that don't happen to others. Wait until I tell my buffalo story.

Laura said...

Okay, that is hysterical! I laugh just thinking of the expression on your face.